I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinegrower.  He removes every branch in me that bears no fruit.  Every branch that bears fruit he prunes to make it bear more fruit.  You have already been cleansed by the word that I have spoken to you.  Abide in me as I abide in you.  Just as the branch cannot bear fruit by itself unless it abides in the vine, neither can you unless you abide in me.  I am the vine, you are the branches.  Those who abide in me and I in them bear much fruit, because apart from me you can do nothing.  Whoever does not abide in me is thrown away like a branch and withers; such branches are gathered, thrown in to the fire, and burned.  If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask for whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.  My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit and become my disciples.  As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you; abide in my love.  If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love.  I have said these things to you so that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be complete.

This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.  No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.  You are my friends if you do what I command you.  I do not call you servants any longer, because the servant does not know what the master is doing; but I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything that I have heard from my Father.  You did not choose me but I chose you.  And I appointed you to go and bear fruit, fruit that will last, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask him in my name.  I am giving you these commands so that you may love one another. John 15: 1-17

Yesterday I got to harvest Concord grapes from a grape arbor.  Today I turned those grapes into juice, then canned it so I can store it at room temperature.  This time next year I hope to try my hand at making wine.  Whenever I see grapes growing on the vine, whenever I get up close and personal with the vine as is necessary to harvest the grapes, I think about the grapevine analogy Jesus used on the night before he died.

There are different ways to cultivate grapes, but in a grape arbor, which is what I’m most familiar with, all the vines and branches are so intertwined that it’s very difficult to tell which branch is which.  It can sometimes be difficult to tell which branch the grapes are actually hanging from.  It’s definitely about impossible to distinguish the main vine from all the branches; there’s simply no way to draw the line.  That’s the part I like best.  When we abide in Jesus, it’s difficult to tell where He ends and where we start.  When someone sees me, do they also see Jesus?  I hope so.

My belief is that the best way to draw closer to Jesus to the point where he becomes part of us (and we become part of Him) is to just start.  Read the radical commands He gave in the Gospels and then try to apply them in our life.  Jesus also said that without abiding in him we wouldn’t be able to obey Him or bear fruit, so then we have to ask Him to please help us abide in Him.  It’s almost like a circular argument, which really means you can’t have one without the other and so you work on both ends.

And that’s when we run smack into sin, which corrupts everything we attempt to do.  And we have to ask Jesus to help us with that too.  And then we have to trust Him.  But we can’t even trust Him without His help so we have to ask Him to help us with that too.

Jesus is righteous and He wants to make us righteous and he will if we let Him.  He’s not just going to cover our sin or declare us righteous, nor is He going to excuse our sin or allow us to excuse it.  He’s actually going to make us righteous.  This means He is going to purify us of all our sins so that the good fruit that we bear from abiding in Him won’t be tainted.

That process of being purified, of being freed from sin one little bit at a time, can take an entire lifetime.  It can be difficult and painful.  But it is through this process that we actually come to abide in Jesus.  When He works in our hearts, that builds and strengthens the bond He has with us.  We learn to trust Him, we learn to obey Him, we learn to let go of the things we need to let go of and stretch out our hands towards Him.  And we start to notice that we are bearing fruit, and that fruit is a blessing to the people in our lives.  We learn to love; we even find ourselves happy to sacrifice our own desires for the sake of someone else.

I know I have a long ways to go, but I think I am abiding in Jesus more now than I used to.  I hope to abide in Him even more as my life goes on.

It clearly was silly to ever have worried that I’d have enough produce to put up this year.  I’m literally getting inundated with free produce, not just from the garden but from friends of friends who happen to have a field of sweet corn… or Concord grapes… or elderberries.  This week alone I have already put up onions, carrots, peppers and sweet corn and I’m about to also make and put up elderberry syrup and grape juice!

The abundance is kicking my butt, actually.  It’s hard work.  Hours of cutting, slicing, packing, boiling.  Lots of late nights because even during the harvest season modern life goes on.  I have some equipment to make the job easier, but for the most part fall back on using the basics: knives, peelers, my own hands, and always time and energy.

I am not complaining.  I am grateful for the way God has so richly provided for me and my family.  I love how I have not paid a dime for any of the vegetables destined for jars or freezer bags.  Come winter I am going to cherish being able to whip up a meal in fifteen minutes by picking and choosing which canned or bagged items will go into the soup or stew.  I’m planning to grow a winter herb garden in my kitchen so I can easily add savor to all the (home) processed meals.

I’m also grateful for the hard work and the fact that dealing with the abundance is so demanding and taxing.  That too is a gift from God.  Hard work, sore muscles, early mornings and late nights are some of the things that help me to persevere, and in so doing, build endurance in myself.  In other words, these things make me stronger.  God works through these things to build my character, to make me more like Himself if I will allow Him.

I think about some of the best gifts that God has given:  His Son, salvation, the Holy Spirit, creation, a spouse and children, a life calling, talents.  These are all gifts freely given.  You can’t buy or earn them and it would be foolish to try.  You accept them with gratitude.  And yet all of these gifts have components that will absolutely kick your butt.

Have you invited Jesus into your life?  Great.  Now He wants to be in charge of your life.  Do you have the Holy Spirit in your heart?  Great.  He’s like a fire burning hot and consuming everything in its path.  You may not recognize yourself anymore.  We’ve all heard and maybe even experienced how marriage and parenting can be both awesome and difficult at the same time, and if you’re good at something you have to work at it to be the best you can be.

Is there any gift from God that doesn’t involve suffering?

Is the suffering not a gift too?  I believe it is.  It is one important way God brings to life in us what He secured for us through Jesus’ sacrificial death on Calvary.

So yes, I’m grateful for the abundance, and I’m grateful for the suffering that comes with it.

Today has been a long and full day.  I went to the garden early in the morning and helped harvest the rest of the onions and carrots.  In another couple weeks everything but some of the squashes and melons will be harvested.  The growing season is truly winding down.

My husband Erik and I got to work putting up the carrots, onions, and peppers I took home.  We still have more onions and zucchini left to put up.  I borrowed another pressure canner from a neighbor and things were hopping for a while.

I thought some of us were going to miss Mass on account of having both pressure canners going, but it turned out that the canners were both done in time for us to cook up a quick steak dinner and go as a family as we normally do on Saturday evening.

We got to sing one of my favorite songs–another one that is so rich in meaning for me.

SERVANT SONG

by Donna Marie McGargill, OSM

1. What do you want of me, Lord? Where do you want me to serve you? Where can I sing your praises. I am your song.  Jesus, Jesus, you are the Lord. Jesus, Jesus, you are the way.

2. I hear you call my name, Lord, and I am moved within me. Your Spirit stirs my deepest self. Sing your songs in me.  Jesus, Jesus, you are my Lord. Jesus, Jesus, you are the way.

3. Above, below, and around me. Before, behind and all through me, your Spirit burns deep within me. Fire my life with your love.  Jesus, Jesus, be the warmth of my heart. Jesus, Jesus, you are the way.

4. You are the light in my darkness. You are my strength when I’m weary. You give me sight when I’m blinded. Come see for me.  Jesus, Jesus, you are my light. Jesus, Jesus, you are the way.

After putting the children to bed, Erik and I finished up with the carrots, making for a very late night.  It’s the time of the year when so much produce is ready all at once and you have to take care of it or you’ll lose it.  Abundance is a blessing that will also kick your butt.

Today I got offered Concord grapes and elderberries from two of my Facebook friends.  I should be getting the elderberries tomorrow and have plans to pick the grapes on Monday.  Those are two crops I didn’t have last year.  Even just counting up what I’m going to put up from the church garden, I’m pretty sure it’s going to add up to at least the same, if not more, than what I was able to put up last year.  And this is after sharing the produce with lots of people all summer!

One of the readings at Mass was from Paul’s letter to the Philippians:  ”For to me, living is Christ and dying is gain.  If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me; and I do not know which I prefer.  I am hard pressed between the two:  my desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better; but to remain in the flesh is more necessary for you…”  It turns out I was thinking about that passage while driving to the garden this morning, so it was startling to hear it read at Mass.

I went to Confession after Mass.  I couldn’t think of anything specific but lately I have been feeling quite sinful as well as an ever deepening burning desire to become more like Jesus.  I’ve been having an ongoing dialogue about salvation and repentance with Tim Falk, the pastor of our Evangelical church.  More than once I brought up the Catholic sacraments as being channels of God’s grace.  This got me thinking that if I believe this, I really should make greater use of these sacraments.  I already receive the Eucharist weekly, but I tend to receive the sacrament of reconciliation infrequently.  So I decided to have a little chat with Father James after Mass.

The actual process of going to Confession has always been awkward to me, which is probably why I avoid it.  It’s never fun to confess sins and it’s not always obvious that anything significant is happening.  Not only that, it’s a bit mysterious to me how and why Jesus chooses to work this way.  But today I could tell that Jesus was working in my heart through this sacrament.  I felt a huge weight lifted off me, and this confidence that the sin in my life is not going to have the upper hand.  Where before I had the desire to repent but somehow felt I couldn’t, now I know that even in this, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

You alone are my passion forever.
Song of my soul,
Desire of my heart.
You alone are my passion, my treasure.
I love You for all that you are.

To the ends of the earth I will follow.
There’s nothing that I will not do.
You alone are my reason for living;
Jesus my passion is You.
Jesus my passion is You.

My Life.
My Love.
My God.
You are my Life.
My Love.
My God…

This song by Travis Cottrell expresses how I feel about Jesus better than I can.

One of my greatest ongoing fears has been being judged harshly by someone I care about.  The judgment doesn’t even have to be real.  I can’t say that I’m completely over this.  But, if someone in my life can help me improve my life in a real tangible way, the pain of any judgment I feel coming from them, real or imagined, may be worth it.

I’m also coming to understand that God’s judgment which at times has been harsh is the other side of His love and mercy.  If I have a destructive habit in my life, is it really loving for God to let me continue in that direction even when I’m comfortable with it?  I would think He would be far kinder to intervene in some way to make me stop.  That intervention is what hurts, but it’s necessary for healing to begin.

That’s going to be one of the popular ones, I thought as I contemplated the rows and rows of sweet corn on the West side of “God’s Garden.”  People may not snatch up the Swiss chard, kohlrabi, spinach or even the beets, but everyone knows what to do with sweet corn.

Would there be enough left over to put up for my family?  Probably not, I thought, but oh well.

In the end all that sweet corn got plowed under.  Between a late planting, a pesticide application error, more challenging climate conditions (translation:  hot, hot hot), the bunnies, raccoons and grasshoppers, the corn was stunted and the ears sickly.  The landowner described the necessity as heartbreaking, but a farmer does what he must.

Sweet corn is arguably one of the least nutritious vegetables and my favorite.  My children consider it dessert.  Last year we had plenty.  On the bright side, I already had more spinach and peas in my freezer than I did last year.  Maybe God had something to teach us through not having our fill of sweet corn this year.

All that changed in an instant this past Saturday while I was harvesting carrots in the garden.  Tim said something about High Plains Harvest, another local church that we’re tight with, wanting to give us a pickup load of sweet corn.  The next day, as a matter of fact.  We brought home nearly two bushels after church, and put up fourteen heaping quart bags of kernels in our freezer.

Later that afternoon Tim called to tell me there was more, and a couple hours later I picked up another large bin.  We were also hanging out with some friends in the neighborhood, so the corn quickly got divvied up.  I put up what was left this morning and got another four quart bags.  Oh, and that’s not even counting the three bags I put up that one time a family in the church decided to donate some of their corn to the produce stand (and there was plenty left over).

But wait!  There’s more.  I got another call saying we could pick whatever we wanted from the field where the second batch of gift corn came from tomorrow morning.  As I’m taking the information down I’m mentally figuring out how I’m going to drop my daughters and husband off at school in Greeley and then high tail it to Fort Collins in time to get in on the gleaning expedition, as well as blocking out several hours the day after to process it all.

So, my family will have plenty of sweet corn this year.  None of it is costing me a dime and I didn’t have to go looking for it either.  All of it has been a gift.  I can point to specific generous souls who chose to give away a portion of their harvest, but ultimately my thanks goes to God for providing me with my favorite veggie even when it looked like there wouldn’t be any.

Sweet corn isn’t the only thing God has provided for my family in the past year.  Here are just a few other things that have been given to me:

We have a neighbor who loves to game fish, and he’s pretty good at it because several times he’s come close to setting records.  He doesn’t like to eat fish, so he gives the fish to his friends, which very often happen to be us.  One trophy pike will make about four meals for my family and they taste wonderful.  He’s also caught rainbow trout, catfish and various other species that inhabit the beautiful lakes and rivers of Northern Colorado.

Then there’s the Sharehouse, which deserves its own post.  It is a combination food pantry and thrift store except everything is free and there are no income requirements and very little paperwork.  The whole point is for people in this community to gather and share.  Give away something, take something.  My family has some limiting dietary restrictions which rule out probably three quarters of the food on the shelves.  However I have come across rather unusual things we can eat like 100% whole wheat pasta or rice pasta, as well as fresh mushrooms, cherry tomatoes and potatoes.  If only I could find Crown Prince oysters or sardines, which my kids really need.  In the nonfood department, I have started to slowly replace the worn out clothes in my closet with better and nicer ones I’ve picked up from the Sharehouse.  Nice things like Ariat boots, a full length denim wrap-around skirt, and some brand name jeans.  I’ve also picked up winter boots and shoes for my children.  One or two items I come across here and there start adding up after a while.

As I mentioned before we got together with a group of friends last night.  The part I didn’t mention was that we provided all the food–potatoes, fish and sweet corn.  A full meal on the grill for nine people.  Everything we brought to the party other than the condiments was a gift to us!

God’s provision has been like a steady rain all summer long and continues into the fall.  It is blowing my mind and filling my heart with wonder and gratitude.

It is also exposing to me how selfish and ungenerous I have been, and the contrast is actually ugly.  My husband lost a well paying full time miserable job back in 2008 and has more or less cobbled a living from various part time gigs ever since.  Money has always been tight and there was never quite enough of it.  Years of living like that can bring out the best and worst in you–at the same time.  Let’s just say generosity is something I am having to relearn, and right now God is showing me a truth that a lot of people before me have figured out:  try as you might, you can’t outgive God.  God asked me to be willing to first give the vegetables in the garden to the community and I accepted with some hesitation (what choice did I really have?).  And despite all the giving (and quite possibly because of it), my freezer and pantry are still filling up.

Erik has a job teaching math and science at a local Catholic school.  Accepting the job was a step of faith because the salary doesn’t appear to be enough to meet our family’s needs.  Still, we believed God was leading us in that direction.  I am starting to see it more and more as an opportunity to see what other creative ways God will use to make up the shortfall, as well as an opportunity to learn more lessons and grow in faith.

I’m also starting to wonder if the next time I buy a case of oysters maybe I should bring a few tins to the Sharehouse and just see what happens.

Everyone who sets up a website has a reason, even if it’s “just because I felt like it” and I’m no exception.  Now that I’ve written a few posts I figured it was about time to articulate my own reasons.

First, I just felt like it.  It seemed like a fun thing to do.  I learned how to install and customize WordPress as well as work with it, I already owned the domain, and I found a site that provides free hosting (I didn’t want to start something that was going to involve another monthly payment, even a small one).  So I thought why not just start my own blog on my own domain.

Second I love to write and I wanted a place where I could write about whatever I wanted to.  I’m not trying to market my writing here or conform to anyone’s style, topic or word count requirements.  After having done a fair amount of writing that does need to conform to various limitations and gotten stronger as a writer it is really fun to have more freedom to just write.

Third, I love to express myself.  I have to share what I’m thinking and experiencing.  While I enjoy the give and take of conversation, I also love to be able to share my thoughts in a more complete essay that you have to read from beginning to end.  I also enjoy and benefit from the process of discerning what can be shared in a public forum like a blog and what should be reserved for the private journal.

Fourth, I’m in a place internally (and I suspect the external is soon to follow) that is new ground for me.  It’s hard to explain what all is going on since I’m still going through it, but it’s actually very unsettling as well as very exciting.  There is a feeling of great transition.  I’m feeling like I have to learn a lot of things about how to live all over again, or maybe even for the first time.  I suspect that the changes in me are taking place in conjunction with some big changes in the world as well.  There is the overall sense of change in the air.  Some of what appears to be on the horizon is downright terrifying, like the looming possibility of a worldwide financial collapse and all that goes with it.  Some of what’s in the air is hopeful, like the increased longing for community that is becoming more front and center in people’s lives, and in particular the amazing progress that is being made in my own community.

But it’s all change, and change can be scary.  It’s one thing for me to acknowledge that the world I live in is rapidly changing.  It’s quite another to acknowledge that I am rapidly changing.  Trying to get my bearings through it all is like trying to hit two moving targets at once.

God is the one constant in my life, the anchor, the solid rock, and like many people, I turn to Him in times of uncertainty.  I have always been able to count on Him to guide and support me through whatever life has to throw at me.  But I sense changes in the air in the way I relate to God, what I know about God and how having faith in God is supposed to impact the way I live my life.  He has important things to teach me and I want to learn them.  I also want to grow in my love for Him and more fully submit my life and my will to His Lordship.

And I want to share at least a part of what I’m going through with those in my life and whoever else out there wants to follow my journey.  I want to live my life in the light as much as possible and not just share my ironclad conclusions but the vulnerability of not knowing exactly what my conclusions will be in a given area.  And there is a certain part of me that wants to be challenged about the way I’m living my life and the things on my heart–not judged or condemned, but gently and lovingly challenged or affirmed.  In a blog format giving feedback is as easy as writing a comment.  If you know me personally, you know how to reach me

So where am I going?  At this time I suffer from the weird combination of knowing both too much and not enough about the direction in which God is leading me, which means I couldn’t even begin to map it out today.  However, here are some ways I see myself changing:

Going from self-preservation to generosity.

Going from wanting to lead to being willing to submit and serve.

Going from selfishness to sacrifice.

Going from acting like a “free spirit” to welcoming more order and discipline into my life and home.  I think that might be called growing up.

Going from prayer as a hobby to a way of life and something I know I desperately need.

Going from a desire to be self-sufficient to a desire to truly live in community, with all the joy and the pain that involves.

All of these things are true and they don’t even begin to describe the transformation.  There is something going on at a more fundamental level but it’s too soon to put it into words.  All I can say is… stay tuned.

I want to close by sharing one of my favorite modern hymns, In Christ Alone.  It is Jesus’ story; it is also my story.

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life’s first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand.

Last Saturday the Old Testament reading at Mass was this lament by the prophet Jeremiah:

O Lord, you have enticed me, and I was enticed;  you have overpowered me, and you have prevailed.  I have become a laughingstock all day long; everyone mocks me.  For whenever I speak, I must cry out, I must shout, “Violence and destruction!”  For the word of the Lord has become for me a reproach and derision all day long.  If I say, “I will not mention him, or speak any more in his name,” then within me there is something like a burning fire shut up in my bones; I am weary with holding it in, and I cannot.

The following Sunday we sang this hymn at the Community Church:

The Bible is full of amazing, miraculous events and one that I’ve been contemplating lately is the story of how Saul went from persecuting the church to preaching the Gospel.

Saul approved the martyrdom of Steven, the very first one to lose his life for believing in Jesus.  Then Saul used his connections and influence to round up more disciples and imprison them.  His rampage had him heading towards Damascus to do more of the same.

Jesus Himself met him on the road.  A blinding flash of light and a question:  “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?”

From that moment on Saul’s life would never be the same.  Jesus told him to continue on to Damascus and then he’d be told what to do.  The first thing he did once he arrived was pray and fast for three days in darkness.

A faithful believer named Ananias was sent by God to pray over Saul so that he would regain his sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit.  When his sight was restored Saul (who became known as the Apostle Paul) was baptized and within days he began to proclaim Jesus in the synagogues, saying “He is the Son of God.”

Paul went on to make many journeys where he preached to many people and catalyzed the formation of many of the early churches.  Much of the New Testament is a collection of various letters he wrote to his converts.

Paul himself was martyred for his faith, just like Steven and the others he’d originally persecuted.  One of the most courageous things Paul ever did was insist on going back to Jerusalem following the leading of the Holy Spirit even though he knew persecution and likely death awaited him there.

I can’t help but marvel at the complete transformation in one man’s life.  To go from hating to loving, killing believers to preaching the Gospel, running away from Jesus as fast as he could to falling so deeply in love with Him that he wanted to be like Him in everything–even His suffering and death.

I love reading the words of St. Paul.  I’m always struck by how passionate and tender Paul was as he penned the words.  I am struck by how much he loved Jesus and how deeply he cared about the people he was writing to.

“For to me, living is Christ and dying is gain…  For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things, and I regard them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him…  I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the sharing of his sufferings by becoming like Him in His death…”

The story of Paul’s conversion gives me hope for today, for I know that as I write this there are well connected and influential people in this world who do great evil–they oppress, they persecute, they lie in wait to trap others, they steal, kill and destroy.  They are involved in awful crimes like child trafficking; they persecute Christians and other minorities around the world; they plot to undermine anything good and beautiful in this world.  They have power and use it for evil even if they are convinced they are doing good.

And any one of them could be an Apostle Paul just waiting to encounter Jesus.

Do I believe in the power of God to actually transform people–as in turn them from the vilest of sinners to the most holy of saints?  I know I definitely want to believe.  I think a lot of us hesitate to believe fully in the ability of God to truly transform lives and so we tend to be content with lives going on as before with a few spiritual things tacked on.  But God is about turning persecutors into apostles, just like He did with Paul.

Perhaps this is why Jesus asks us to pray for our persecutors.  Even if they aren’t personally persecuting me (which none of them are) I can still pray for them.  Next time I learn about some evil person doing something horrible I am going to ask Jesus to grace him with a conversion as amazing and thorough as Saul’s conversion.  I can’t think of any way to halt or even slow down the rampage of evil more effective than conversion.

Today I heard the words I thought I’d wanted to hear all summer.  Only two more free produce stands and then we could show up to the garden during the normal work times to harvest vegetables for our own families.

There is an unbelievable amount of beets, carrots, cucumbers, onions and various squashes that are all but begging to be frozen, canned, pickled, fermented, root cellared and otherwise “put up” for the winter.  The bounty I was so concerned my family might miss out on if we gave too much away.

The thought of being done giving it away actually makes me sad.

I can’t say I particularly enjoyed all the logistics of running a free produce stand.  I didn’t get too into the notion that we were blessing people by giving them the produce, though it was fun to visit with them when they came by.

One of my favorite parts was bringing the leftover produce to my church the same evening.  My fellow parishioners would thank me profusely and comment about how my garden must have done amazingly well.  I would point out that it was really my husband’s church garden but I don’t think anyone ever remembered that part.  It was joyous and humbling at the same time to be giving away something that wasn’t exactly mine in the first place.

My absolute favorite part was working in the garden.  It’s great to be in touch with the plants and the soil especially early in the morning, but what I loved was working with the others.  Sometimes we’d talk about deep things or chatter about the small things in life.  Sometimes we’d just keep quiet.  Whether or not we used words we gifted each other with our presence.  Maybe it’s the thought of that ending which makes me sad.  Somehow in harvesting all these vegetables to give away I received something far more valuable than the produce itself, though I really can’t explain or describe it.

Maybe I’m sad about the summer ending.  In a lot of ways it’s been a rough summer.  OK, it’s been a rough year.  I’ve been coming to terms with the fact that life hasn’t quite worked out the way I’d dreamed.  I’ve been coming to terms with the fact that life hurts.  Suffering is a normal part of life, not something you just try to get through as fast as you can.  There are things in my life that I know are not right, but I’m powerless to change on my own.  It’s not easy submitting to God’s methods and timing.

The summer has also been life changing.  If anyone had told me that by the end of the summer I’d be sending my home schooled oldest daughter to a Catholic school I’d have said that was impossible.  No one can educate my child better than I can, right?  But when the opportunity came up (in the form of my husband becoming a teacher at the school) we just all walked through it as if something inside us knew that was part of the plan all along.  She’s now been in school for three days and is thriving and loving it.

This summer I saw for the first time the potential my small community has to pull together and actually be a community.  We recently opened up the Sharehouse where you can take some food, donate some food, and “shop” at the thrift store, only everything is free.  It’s a Christian ministry housed within the Town Hall.  I have a dream to start a community garden where the produce will be grown, preserved and then distributed through the Sharehouse.

I’ve had notions of being a survivalist or at least a prepper before–the whole idea being that you’re self-sufficient and can make it through a disaster of some sort.  I no longer have any interest in being self-sufficient.  I don’t want to rely on myself.  I love the idea of being community-sufficient.  Neighbors and friends rely on each other to get through whatever the future brings.  Even that falls short.  We all need to rely on God and out of our love for God flows our love for our neighbor which then forms those bonds that are needed to build community.  Somewhere at the root of it is generosity, the art of giving with no thought for your own well being, the art of giving not out of your wholeness or excess but out of your brokenness and want.  That’s the kind of giving I learned through working in the garden this summer.

I’m not sure exactly how it happened but so many of my ideas of how I’m going to contribute to the world and how I’m supposed to interact with the world have been quietly and gently turned upside down–transformed.  Working in the garden and giving away the produce played a huge role in that.  The change in me is unsettling because now I have to get my bearings all over again as a different person.  I’m also not convinced the change is complete.  And I’m seeing more and more things about my life that I know will also need to change if I’m ever to live the way God and I want me to live.

With the summer ending a chapter in my heart is drawing to a close.  It has been a difficult and painful chapter, but an incredibly rich one.  I’m looking forward to the next chapter, but having a bit of a hard time letting this one go.